I cannot even begin to describe how mentally exhausted I am right now

from like 3rd hour onward I was seriously doubting my ability to even hold a productive conversation with another person and I spent most of painting sloppily adding paint and screwing up my still life ughhh I hope I can fix it tomorrow

some days I feel far more suited for one activity over another? like I instantly understood the calc lesson today and sped through my homework but then felt so hopelessly lethargic in my art classes

and then I came home and browsed some art and ended up in that whirlpool of discouragement again where I feel like I’ll never reach the skill level I want and I can’t remember the last time I was honestly proud of something I’ve drawn and the whole thing just makes me so anxious and frustrated

it’s like usually I finish and think “okay, that looks alright, but this is the kind of skill I should have had when I was 15 or 16.”

and I know it shouldn’t really matter where I am right now as long as I keep moving forward and I keep telling myself “work harder work harder WORK HARDER” but…yeah, I dunno. I’m scared I’ll forever be missing something. maybe I’m too harsh on myself.

my parents went to a college financial aid meeting tonight but I really don’t think I qualify for any government money. unless they give you aid for having an enormous oversensitive man-child for a stepdad. but anyway, the interest rates are insane and I guess we’re just going to try scrounge most of the money together from various sources and hope for the best from scholarships.

I lead a vastly uninteresting life